Last week I was listening to Nasty Women Radio (if you don’t listen, change that ASAP), specifically the episode entitled “The lie of having your shit together.” Neghar discussed hustling for worthiness. O…M…G I had a major lightbulb moment. I’ve always been a people pleaser. I’ve always sought the approval of others. These are things I know. Things I’ve been actively working on over the last few years.
So here comes the interesting part. This is why I started powerlifting 3 years ago. I didn’t know it then. I didn’t even understand it last week.
See, when I started training for my first meet, I was in a pretty low place. I had completed my Crossfit certification and began coaching. I didn’t feel like I was good enough. (side note- rewind to the day I was asked if I would consider coaching. During the 3 mile drive home I actually convinced myself that the conversation didn’t actually happen). I didn’t look the part. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t fit enough. And then I threw my back out…picking up a wall ball…while coaching. Self-esteem sunk even lower. I was certain that I definitely wasn’t enough. I couldn’t quit though. I had to prove myself. I had to do something to convince people that I was good enough. That I was actually an athlete. That’s when I found a facebook post about a powerlifting meet. I was sort of strong. That’s what I had going for me. So bum back and all, I signed up and began training.
Training for the first meet was enjoyable. I was the strong one in the gym. I was something. But as time wore on, it wasn’t enjoyable anymore. I went through the motions. I began coaching powerlifting to other athletes. I coached several athletes through meets (which is my absolute favorite thing as a coach!). But I still wasn’t mentally in it.
It wasn’t until I decided to take a break last spring that I began processing the last 3 years. Why had I lost the love for something I thought I enjoyed so much?
Then, last week I put it all together. I wasn’t doing it for me. I never was. It all started because I wanted to prove I was worthy. To prove my worth.
Truth is, a lot of amazing opportunities and relationships came from powerlifting. I still love the sport. I love the community. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But I now can process why my heart isn’t in it right now.
I’m not sure when I will get back on the platform and that is ok. What I do know is that when I do, it will be for me. I will have nothing to prove to anyone. Because anyone who thinks more or less of me because of my athletic abilities isn’t anyone I want in my life.
So what’s the takeaway? Evaluate your motivation. Why are you choosing the things you are choosing? Are you constantly trying to prove something to someone? To win love and acceptance? That almost never pans out the way we think it will…